A new low.

Really this should be titled a new high. I stepped on the scale this morning and I am back to 200 lbs. I told myself I was never getting back into the 200's. I'm really disappointed in myself because I only have myself to blame. 

The day I checked into labor and delivery with Maddie in 2011 I was 233 lbs. That was more than my husband weighed. I was bound and determined to lose all of my pregnancy weight plus some since I wasn't at a healthy weight before I got pregnant. Over the following 2 years I hit my 185 pre-pregnancy weight plus lost an additional 15 pounds. 170 - that's the lowest weight I've been since I can remember. So I lost 53 pounds only to gain back 30. How did I allow myself to do this?? 

We've been talking about if/when we want to try for another baby and I have told myself I'm not going to even entertain the idea until I'm back at the 185 I was before Maddie. It looks like trying to concive this summer isn't going to happen. I'm so angry at myself for the simple fact that if I can't keep myself motivated so I can have another baby (which I REALLY want) then what in the world is going to motivate me? I know I've lost it once (or a billion times) so I know I can do it again but what is wrong with me that I would take 53 steps forward and 30 steps back?

What Balance?

Another attempt a blogging. I've failed at it so many times, among other goals I've set for myself. I need a way to stay accountable and my real life friends and family don't always get it. Or maybe I just don't see that they get it. 

I'm trying to find balance in my life where I feel like there is none right now. I want to be a good wife, good mom, good friend, good teacher and a good person to myself but I can't seem to juggle all of those roles at the same time. How do you pick which role suffers? 

With summer right around the corner, I can somewhat leave my teacher hat at school except for the days when I have training (oh joy! Can't wait for those) and hopefully start working on making myself better. If I felt better about how I look and feel I think it would improve how I do at all of my other jobs. It's just making that happen.

I truly feel like I have a food addiction and I don't know where to start in getting that under control. I do really well eating healthy meals and working out for about 2 weeks and then I un-do all of my hard work and gain back all of the weight I lost, plus some. I know what I should eat and what I should do to work out but I don't do it. I shovel the cake and cookies and chips and soda in my pie hole and then regret it right after. Once I've started eating like an idiot I can't stop. I've tried having an accountability partner to keep me on track but the ones I've had usually end up falling off the wagon too so we both end up spiraling out of control. Misery loves company, right?

So I've ended up here. I'm hoping the World Wide Web will be my accountability partner.  If I put it out there (assuming people read this), hopefully I can make some changes and find some balance in my life.